International News: Swiss Witch Watch Switch Swatch. The last known witch to be executed by the Swiss has been posthumously pardoned by Swiss authorities. Anna Goeldi was beheaded in 1792 for being a witch in the eastern Swiss state of Glarus. The local government there has finally decided to exonerate Goeldi having found no historical or legal basis for the fatal accusation. In a related story, Hans Island officials have now decided to officially pardon Anna Blinghovan who was executed here in 1876, falsely accused of being Swiss.

Local Health News. In health news, Hanstown University Professor of Health Studies Heinrich O'Hooligan reports that that his new three year study of recent international health reports reveals over and over again how a new study will seem to show conclusive proof of something, such as red wine being good for you, and then the next month a totally contradictory study will come out, completely negating the point of the previous study. O'Hooligan reports that there are several elusive factors at work behind the scenes in such instances such as who actually pays for the studies and what perceived benefits they receive from the published reports. Responding to critics who see this kind of thing as a failure of academia to have any relevancy in the real world, O'Hooligan went on to explain that it didn't really matter what they thought because by this time next month he will come out with a completely different report which will totally refute his current findings.

More National News. Royal Hans Airways, Hans Island's only national airline, still famous for its surly flight attendants, lost luggage and inedible meals despite its only airplane going missing many years ago, has announced the creation of its own loyalty card program to boost ticket sales. Airways spokesperson Inga Newhole explained its most prominent features this way, "As soon as we get you hooked for what you think will be free trips, we will totally screw you with our ridiculously petty bureaucracy, robbing you of all your hard earned points, and leaving you with nothing other than a bad taste in your mouth." When asked what could have possibly given them the idea to run a loyalty program with an attitude like that, Newhole replied, "We're all big, big fans of Air Canada's 'Aeroplan' program," adding, "Compared to them, we're friggin' Mother Teresa".

Local Police News. The Hans Island Police Department's Crime Re-creation Unit today had to recreate a serious traffic accident involving a pedestrian crossing Main Street, Hanstown knocked down by an unmarked black car. The pedestrian was not seriously hurt but is still in hospital with concussion. In recreating the serious traffic accident, The Hans Island Police Department's Crime Re-creation Unit knocked down a second pedestrian crossing Main Street, Hanstown with an unmarked black car. The second pedestrian was not seriously hurt but is still in hospital with concussion. It later turned out that the first pedestrian knocked down was in fact knocked down by an unmarked black Hans Island police car recreating a serious traffic accident for the Hans Island Police Department's Crime Re-creation Unit involving a pedestrian knocked down by an unmarked black car. All three pedestrians involved were not seriously hurt. Police are asking for the person originally knocked over by an unmarked black car while crossing Main Street, Hanstown, to come please forward (if they can) as the paperwork on your case has been lost. Meanwhile, RFHI strongly advises all pedestrians to avoid crossing Main Street, Hanstown for the next 72 hours while the Hans Island Police Department's Crime Re-creation Unit are still on the scene.



Local News. Survivors of the 32nd annual Hans Island Titanic Re-Creation Society general meeting celebrated another successful re-creation of the original 1912 fatal sinking of the Titanic despite increasingly difficult circumstances. Re-creation Society president Tag Queemig commented, "Every year it gets harder and harder to attract new members given that so many of them are going to die. Most of the passengers in the real Titanic drowned and the society has an absolute commitment to authenticity. Surviving society members understand and appreciate that".

Hans Island "Comedian" Dies. Frederick Nyhaven, who's life long signature routine was '"The Seven Words You Cannot Say On RFHI," passed away recently at an unknown age. Nyhaven's routine (originally inspired by the American comic George Carlin's infamous routine about seven indecent words) made little sense and confused most audiences, consisting as it did of seven perfectly ordinary words he had picked at random out of a childrens' book. Unaware of the significance of his hero's choice of words, Nyhaven figured any seven words would do. They did not. Following an unceasingly pitiful career, Nyhaven died penniless and in complete obscurity. His last seven words were said to be completely unrepeatable in polite company.

Local Tragedy. Another annual Paul LeTanga School of Festive Ice Lake Clog Dancing graduating class recital has ended in disaster. "Seems I miscalculated the density of the ice once again on Lake Neverfrozenenuff" said school director, Paul LeTanga. "You can imagine my embarrassment. This is the third graduating class we've lost since the school opened four years ago. But I'm determined to keep on going until I get it right and a graduating class survives its graduation ceremony". Police have ordered Mr. LeTanga to undergo yet another psychiatric examination. "I'm delighted to do so" yelled Letanga from the back of the departing squad car, "It keeps my wits razor sharp".