ADDITIONAL NEWS FROM THE RFHI ARCHIVES

Hans Island Opposes Changes to Canada's Motto. Canadians wishing to acknowledge their Arctic territory by changing the Canadian motto "from sea to sea" to "from sea to sea to sea" are "conveniently ignoring the fact that we are independent and sovereign" declared Hans Island President Stephan Simpson. "This is just another attempt by those damn Canucks to forget that fact and lump us in with those losers on Ellesmere Island. We beat them regular in league snow bowling two out of three nights and nights up here can go a helluva long time, let me tell you. Ha ha ha. Ellesmere Island losers!" When asked to propose an alternative motto for Canada, Simpson helpfully suggested "from sea to sea to sea except for Hans Island which is independent and sovereign". When Canadian authorities pointed out that this might be a bit needlessly wordy, Simpson heatedly retorted, "No wonder Morrissey hates all of you".

International News: Russians To Blame For Arctic Ice Cap Melting Says Hansian President. Following news that Russians are exploring below the North Pole by submarine to assert their purported sovereignty in the area, Hans Island President for Life Stefan Simpson made a startling announcement. "The melting of the arctic ocean has very little to do with global warming" our president asserted at a recent press conference. "It's mostly due to those darn' Russians and their secret submarine base hidden under the North Pole. Yes, that's right. They've already got a secret base up there and I for one am sick and tired of cleaning up after them!" When asked to clarify, President Simpson did so. "Thousands of broken Russian vodka bottles wash up on our fashionable north shore every week. I haven't said anything about it because most of them are immediately collected for examination by the secret American submarine base hidden up there on our north shore. But all that discarded vodka is finally having its effect - the arctic ocean is full of the bloody stuff. It's like anti-freeze. So now the whole arctic ice cap is slowly starting to melt. I say if the Ruskies stay there and continue to throw out half empty vodka bottles at the rate they're going, the north pole will be totally liquid vodka by 2057. Of course", the president concluded with a broad smile, "the upside is that going to the beach up here on Hans Island has never been as much fun. You can just jump in and get a 'fuzzy navel' right away".

International News: Global Warming Declared A Man-made Phenomenon. A recent Paris-based scientific report resulting from the collaboration between weather experts from around the world has definitively concluded that global warming is indeed a man-made phenomenon. "Well, duh!" commented Professor Julius Roskilde of the Hans Island Institute for Studies in the Blindingly Obvious. "Not only that but guess what?" Roskilde asked. "Thanks to the extra pollution generated from flying all those scientists involved to Paris and back, the planet's demise due to global warming will now come a whole year earlier than it would've otherwise. Thanks, guys!"

Breaking News. For a seventh straight month in a row, the price of gas and oil here on Hans Island has plunged, bottoming out at mere pennies per gallon. "We can barely give it away" explained Hansian President Stefan Simpson at a recent luncheon party. "Since we're sitting on a massive secret reserve that the Saudis pay us well to keep that way it's impossible to avoid the stuff. Stick a hole in the rock and up comes Black Gold! I'm talking Texas Tea! It's a damn nuisance because none of us need it given our abundant production of hydrogen and our obsessive adherence to a localized non-global economy." The ever popular president suddenly had a new thought that provoked his well known contagious chuckle. As he wiped away the tears of laughter he explained, "Could you imagine if our needs had become so infantilized that we developed a psychological and economic dependence on fossil fuels coupled with a globalized economy that didn't produce anything locally anymore? Whoa! I'd sure feel sorry for any brainwashed boobs living in that house of cards."

 

Breaking National News: Hans Island Denies Move. Responding to reports that Canadian satellite mapping has recently updated Hans Island's geographical position to show us being exactly between the traditionally accepted Canadian/Danish boundary - effectively slicing the Island in two - Hans Island President Stefan Simpson reasserted our essential independence. "We're Hans Island, not Johnny Canuck nor The Little Mermaid" he fumed. When asked about our apparent shift towards Greenland according to the Canadians, Simpson responded thoughtfully. "We haven't moved, so therefore it must be Canada that is significantly further to the left than previously estimated by their current government. If I were [Conservative Canadian Prime Minister] Harper" he added with a wink, "I wouldn't plan on any further neocon naughtiness if I wanted to get re-elected".

More Breaking News: Hansian Response To Danish Response To Canucks. Responding to news from Copenhagen that the Danish government has expressed little or no interest in Canada's recent admission that Hans Island is geographically closer to Greenland than Canada had previously admitted, Hans Island's Minister for External Affairs Rory Splemm released this official statement in English. "When the Danes say 'We have no interest in Hans island' you can bet your cousin's kroner that they mean exactly the opposite. Remember this is a nation of cannibalistic savage Vikings. Give them a tuborgvejh, they'll take a hellerup. Now that Canada has conceded half of Hans Island, the Danes will be in Ottawa in no time - no doubt raping, pillaging and most heinous of all - selling amber necklaces. Canada, be warned, once Danish blood boils all bets are off!" In an official statement released only in Danish, coincidentally, the Minister also expressed these thoughts: "Denmark! Be on guard! Johnny Canuck is not the docile, stuffed Ookpik he appears. He will try to lull you into submission with his bland smiles, bureaucratic red tape and seemingly endless games of pointless curling. But Johnny Canuck is cunning. He will not rest until The Little Mermaid is his and in goal for the Vancouver Maple Leafs." Hans Island does not recognize the jurisdiction of either Canada or Denmark and remains an independent, sovereign high arctic island nation committed to keeping all "From Aways" eternally off-balance.

Update: The Minister concedes that Danes are only "allegedly" a nation of cannibalistic savages. "I do apologize and admit we lost the proof when our last envoy to Copenhagen mysteriously disappeared under gruesome culinary circumstances." Regarding Canadians, the Minister would only say that he still thinks curling is pretty pointless. When pressed further, he did acknowledge that he doesn't remember the Ookpik fad either.

 

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